Diary Entry, 17-2-2012

Today was a very eventful day. It started off with a visit to my therapist together with my wife. Both ladies agreed that my communication needs work. I come across as grey and flat. Not a nice thing to hear but I have been told this before. I think this is more of a gifted than an ADD thing. I put too much effort into filtering information and forget to communicate my feelings. In terms of therapy, the options seem to be limited at the moment due to a lack of funds. I will ask my wife to find out options.

Second thing was the funeral of the father of one of my fraternity brothers. The experience thought me I have no lack of emotions. My friend is a very emotional guy, which is admirable. He got rich coming from very humble origins, which is both admirable and boring because he is constantly trying to prove himself by showing of wealth and social connections. I was happy being around my old mates. I had an uncomfortable feeling seeing my friend carrying his father to the grave. My father and I broke up 13 years ago. Could not help but wondering what I would do in the event of my father's death. I was totally balled over by this poem http://www.amandashome.com/footprints.html, (but then I also cried for Bambi, the Lion King and Mary Poppins). I felt sorry for my friend's in-laws’, who had to sit at the back of the church while their grandchildren sat in front. I was proud of my friend expressing his feelings in the Eulogy. Finally I was sad for the loss of a good man: tranquil, wise, forgiving, with a great love of beauty. The last piece of music, Mozart's Clarinet Concerto in A: Adagio, was stunning and reminded me very much of summer holiday entirely fitting for the character of the deceased. For the music click this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QAAZ29cvfU&noredirect=1. The final irony of the situation was that my friend never truly appreciated the nobility of mind of his own father, and mostly viewed him as weak. Part of the ceremony I just witnessed was keeping up appearances. Plenty of feelings, all of them conscious. None of them easy to express, except to my wife because she knows me. So yes, it is frustrating.

On my way home my wife called. The apothecary told her I would not be able to drive with the new medicine for my ADD. (after she had been chasing the prescription for an hour because it had been sent to the wrong apothecary.) She was not happy with the surprise. As it did with the first medicine the information leaflet contained a lot of cover your ass clauses. She has difficulty trusting in a system that transfers nearly all responsibility to the patient. I cannot blame her. Feeding mental patients chemicals to "cure" them instead of old fashioned therapy. It puts a lot of stress on the patient. Alas, sign of the times.

All in all a very satisfying day with a lot of food for thought. One new puzzle: My brain has always ruled my feelings. I never allow a feeling, unless my brain interpreted the stimuli. Hmm.. I will work on it and start networking awaiting the arrival of my new communication skills.

Brandon