Tuesday 15 May 2012

Diary Entry

It has been a couple of days since my newly found right brainedness. Both at work and privately my projects are in a bit of a mess right now. People look at me worriedly amd my mailbox has exploded to 277 unread mail. Time for me to get into action!
It looks bad, but it is the type of situation I frequently find myself in. All that is needed is some focus, and taking small steps. First thing I need to do is reduce the number of projects I am working on, finish the most important one on time and wing it with the rest.

Wednesday 9 May 2012

Diary entry

There is a lull in my progress that is noticeable in a Classic ADD relapse. Yesterday my company had a motivational event that really had me nervous. It was a seven hour meeting day with nothing but significant others. So I felt nervous to begin with. The kind of indistinct feeling there are loose ends that will come to hound you later on. 10 minutes before all the meetings begin something happens to upset me: four prints where required and the printer server was not working swift enough causing me to double print and to run back and forth to the printer a kazilion times. Next, the print for the motivational session was lost, causing me to go through my papers three times. Then, just when I had cut short the first meeting, the first meeting got cancelled, the second was a no show and got resheduled in the only free time slot of the day. The third meeting got resheduled until after work hours, then we had the motivational session, during which I lost my colleagues because there were some urgent emails that needed answering (from my direct boss).
The motivational event was great! Everything was carefully orchestrated, including testimonials and the lot. Afterwards some people wer sceptical, being of the view that they had seen it all before, seeing is believing, etcmm Not me. For me the glass is half full. Part of the ideas put forward were completely new to the organisation and a step in the right direction! Sure, there are always restrictions that force management to act in discord with their stated intentions, but hey, for an ADD that is completely understandable and justified. At least the stated intentions were heartfelt and to me that is what counts. Gifteds are extremely sensitive to these things. I felt really motivated. Then came a meeting session from hell in three different buildings, half hour a piece, and all of them important. My foursqaure rating could have gone up but the pressure was such that I completely forgot to log in.
At e quarter to five there was some me time, which I used to check up on a co-worker that was coordinating the intake of financial plans of eight different departments that needed to be consolidated yesterday. All was going well, there were only three pieces missing, one from a newbie, one from me myself, and one from another sloppy controller. Hurry up and do my financial plan, hand it in, and during this work my after hours meeting shows up. Fortunately the guy that also still needed to hand in his plan. We had a shot meeting discussed progress and went our ways, leaving me time to finish my financial plan.
Then Peter shows up. He is leaving the company and doing a sort of round to get things of his chest/ work through emotions and tying up loose ends. We discussed the motivational session. Even Peter is a bit indecisive on the integrity of management. Strange how people need to voice discontent when there is nothing they can do anyway. Why not just enjoy the show?
After that I finally had some time to process my email. Departure time sprung on me, making me rush. A quick run past all building to up my foursquare points. In the first tube twitter caught my eye. In particular there was a blog I wanted to respond to but disqus was not working. Quickly into another tube and away to pick up my son. Texting I was late. Relief for reaching the building and glad he had not come out of class! Then he texts me back asking where I was. Wrong building, wrong side of town! Damn! Poor boy to have me for a father. Another tube, some more rushing, pick up the kid and home. (By now it is 9 o'clock). Make dinner for the two of us, rehearse his homework with him and look at the days shopping my wife and daughter have done, and the art projects they have been working on.
By the time everyone has gone to bed I crash on the couch and play some zelda.

Not that I feel guilty (except to my son. It just is not the progress I imagined it would be! Hopefully a better week next week.

Brandon

Sunday 6 May 2012

Diary Entry

Quick update today. The "I" game was really hard this weekend! Basically relations with loved ones are too intense to be able to play that way. Sunday afternoon was spend preparing the week and catching up on email. 273 email this week took approx 6 hours of work. Microsoft was right, you should plan for 1 hour of email drama a day. Does not feel right, but since there are no further solutions, lets stick with the program for now. In addition to the email workload there is the rehashing of meeting minutes. Prince2 prescribes a workable to do list. There is still a backlog of a few days, but the outlook for now is positive and a to do list does allow you to follow up, much like the flagged email allows me to. So, the planning stuff is progressing nicely.

The communication is still not what it should be. My wife adapted to Thomas Gordon. My ADD is still preventing me from transitioning to the new paradigm. Having to change feels for me like infringement of my privacy. It is difficult to give you the actual reasoning why it works that way but it does. For example my morning routine is interrupted by my son with support of my wife (they stole my shower time slot because my son slept in). That sort of thing really gets to me. Is it ADD, is it autism (it has been suggested throughout my life), is it a Gifted's sense of injustice or is it just me, being cranky in the morning? My hope is now on Deborah Tannen with "I only say this because I love you". More reading, less blogging for the next couple of days.

Brandon

Thursday 3 May 2012

Diary entry

Thank God it is Friday! No appointments and lots of time to pick up the pieces of a somewhat haphazard week. Lots of things should have gone differently. Yesterdays meeting with my manager (say Carl) was a disaster! We talked about too many things, one of my upcoming promotion. One of my demands was a new education trajectory (post-PhD). Carl reacted by asking if I would not rather do a communication course. That did not go down well! Eventhough the response should have been expected, it was not, so in stead of asking who it was that wanted the change my reply was defensive. Bad!

Lots of other things gone wrong too: the battle for physical exercise was lost. (But the war continues) Some project at work are not progressing sufficiently etc.. The overall gut feeling is one of unfinished business and loose ends that will boomerang. Peter has been his promoting self this week. He always wants my input to open up discussions, my insights are both independent and out of the box. In a way that feels uncomfortable, both becauise fears of being inadequate myself/ giving the wrong advise and because it leaves you feeling used like a pawn (and just as easily sacrificed).

The tube has arrived. Time to tie up loose ends.

Brandon

Wednesday 2 May 2012

Diary Entry

Yesterday was a great day for experimenting with email handling and not saying "I". Also , my email is now partially Microsoft proof:
Automatic processing of reference email
My inbox now has a couple of rules:

  • Forward rule for mail that needs to be forwarded in my department
  • Info mail rule for subscriptions to newsblogs.
  • Archive rule for archiving reference materials (most often stuff that needs to be on a hard disk)
  • Delete rule for SPAM and recurring Phishing attempts
  • CC rule for later processing CC mail. It fills up at an alarming rate. Maybe the number of Important Persons that are exempt from the CC rule needs to be higher. It is amusing to analyse why people use CC. That is a study in itself.
  • Conversation clean-up function in outlook


My outbox has one rule: depending on a code in the subject header, the mail is copies to a jobs outstanding folder and flagged for review in two days time.

Due to the time needed for these changes the backlog on yesterdays CCmail has grown.

Today's to do:

  • Implement flagging for personal tasks and postponed actions
  • Implement Categories for projects (not really Allen proof but it is the advised Microsoft way)
  • Create a view to review pending actions

That is as much thinking about email that I can take. After that I will stop worrying about the bloody email.

On a lighter note: It has been fun to play the I games. Funny too that others intuitively pick up on it and stop saying I as well. It is absolutely not my normal mode of operations. Contrary to the Pennebaker's opinion it does influence your thinking. The reason to use I in speech is to be precise on the source of certain feelings and thoughts. If you stop being precise it has a strange effect on your perception and that of others. Furthermore the word "you" comes up a lot all of a sudden. That really disturbs my sense of internal locus of control! Thirdly, not to use the word I in feedback situations feels unfair, aggressive and embarrassing That is not fun at all.For the sake of the experiment colleagues will be experimented on, but not family.


Brandon

Tuesday 1 May 2012

Diary Entry

Today my email box will make great improvements! (According to Pennebaker in yesterdays tip, people in Charge do not use "I", and it can not be faked. It would be wonderful to challenge that assumption! Like the game we used to play: do not say yes or no! Besides some wonderful sidesteps to Leary's Wheel are possible, including doubt on the interdependence of Leary's variables). Back to the mail: Microsoft advises a four step plan, much like GTD from mr Allen, only better.

Monday 23 April 2012

Diary entry

Today my psyciatrist upped the dose to 7,5mg dexamphetamin! That is a good thing because I was getting unclear in my head again and the planning stuff is not getting done either.

A lot of the computer stuff broke down. My wife's netbook crashed and my son broke his screen. It is fun taking a laptop apart and replacing the screen. Thank God for Youtube!!! Very expensive month though.

Got a couple of great leads on understanding my life better: one from the real gifted and two from TED (mr de Waal & Haidt. Jointly thede two articles suggest a very real cause of my current problems.

One of the reasonsI alsmost got sacked was for "unnatural" communication. These theories combined offer an explanation of what is going on.

Very helpful


Brandon

Thursday 1 March 2012

The REAL_GIFTED

Yesterday I saw a great TEDTalks video (Steve Jobs: http://alturl.com/6zm5u). Just great the way Steve describes the importance of being true to yourself. It is a very old platitude (http://alturl.com/pawar) but true none the less. Especially for Gifted and or ADD because they can get overwhelmed and lose themselves quite easily. Enter the Real Gifted.

Thursday 3 March 2011

Diary Entry: 3-3-2012

Lat couple of days I have been feeling quite oppositional. Few times it hit me, mostly because of remarks of people I like. Some tweets made me feel oppositional:

  • You can't take authority over your life if you don't have authority over a sink full of dirty dishes or a messy garage. (What the &^%$% get a maid or something)
  • the intellectually gifted have a heightened sense of injustice (not true, they dislike people not behaving as expected)
  • As a  you tend to intellectualise your feelings (everyone's feelings are  dependent on the way they interpret the world, that's why it's called homo SAPIENS)
I was able to count to 10 and not react,but it worries me. I have always been an oppositional bastard. But lately it is becoming a problem. I think it s because I feel more relaxed. According to enneagram theory five's direction for integration is toward the bossy type. Either that or I am falling down to intollerable levels of being :(. Whatever it is, it worries me!

Brandon

Monday 28 February 2011

Diary Entry, 28-02-2012

Today I have had a couple of insights. After my discussion with my son yesterday on his negative feelings toward homework, I am resolved to have a longer talk with him. I want to sound him out on why he thinks doing homework is boring (stupid question, you might say). The question isn't quite as stupid as that. According to some books I've read, putting aside your dislike of homework can actually help you get it done a lot faster!

Also today I experienced being shut out by my business manager on a subject I've been struggling with. It is a thing he put me on himself (quite publicly so). However, the job is difficult and he does not seem to want to get burned or put his backing on something controversial that might hurt his status. Or at least that is the way he makes me feel about it.

The third thing is I got shut out by that same manager because I interrupted him in conversation. I don't blame him. For me personally it is something to look into because it is a thing that merits my attention for several other reasons. It is, in fact one of my more deeper seated social problems.

Brandon

Sunday 27 February 2011

Diary Entry, 27-02-2012

Slow day today. Just sorting through work stuff. There is this complecated review letter I must do. Progress is OK. Found a great blog by Magan on Giftedness. It actually voices my opinion on giftedness quite clearly. http://mangans.blogspot.com/2009/06/gifted-adults.html Basically, if you are not succesfull as an adult you are not gifted. Rightly so. Doesn't mean there are no issues though!

Brandon

Saturday 26 February 2011

Diary Entry, 26-02-2012

Today I tried to implement the "giving responsibility" trick with my son. It did not work completely yet. He did stay belligerent, although he did seem to grasp that with freedom comes responsibility. Next thing is he does not know how to fulfil his responsibilities. Before I can go into "the way to do things"I will need his trust. Maybe I will build 15mins into the start of the day to start discussing dayly planning with him.

Brandon

Thursday 24 February 2011

Diary Entry, 24-02-2012

Very slow day today, basically recuperating from the busy week earlier. Somehow catching up on sleep makes you lethargic trough the day. In the evening I went to a friends birthday party (the guy whose father was buried last Friday) http://goo.gl/rnbwg. It was good to see him as he took me aside to talk about his feelings and experiences and how thankful he was being able to discuss this with me. I socialised for a bit (was not at successful as I could have been, I would tell you how this works with snobs but my wife says I cannot).

Brandon

Wednesday 23 February 2011

Diary Entry, 23-02-2012

I am only partly satisfied with myself. I did in the morning make amends with my boss by giving him a compliment for his astute intervention. Last week I discovered a tendency I have to take it personal if people look unhappy, making me feel insecure. I now learned to ask for the reasoning behind it, and did so twice today. (only to find out there was nothing the matter)
What I did not do well was the course I gave today: I had not thought it through properly and it did not go as smoothely as it could have. Also, because I had not thought it through I was not able to put my feelings into it, making me sound bland, and not at all playfull.

Brandon

Monday 21 February 2011

Diary Entry, 21-02-2012

My new medication is working beautifully. There is a lot of work to catch up on though. Today, after my boss, my business manager told me to that he tought other peopple were leaning too hard on me. Apparantly he was disappointed in the late delivery of some of my output. I let him think it was somebody elses fault, which is not at all like me! I took action on my boss. I went to see some of his friends to ask what might have been behind my boss' remarks. He thought it is because my boss is a "trooper", if neccessary sacrificing himself for Queen and country. Maybe that's the ticket. Still I feel that even suggesting that my performance is falling short is a personal insult, even when I know it to be true.
My business manager is a whole different ballgame. One thing I take from it that he apparently needs my skills on other stuff than I am working on at the moment. The second thing I take from it is that he does not like me to work late (therefor I must hide the extra work I put in). I will ask him what it is.he specifically wants me to do. I can give the type of performance that he needs. It is not hard to imagine what he wants. He is what I call the perfect son-in-law. He likes praise and gives it where it is due. I think he wants me closer to my program. I will go and put more work in that way.

Brandon

Sunday 20 February 2011

DIary Entry, 20-02-2012


Not much happening today. I overextended myself in the promises I made and now I have to pay the price. Lot's of work, in fact too much for one week. On the upside, if I succeed now I succeed in the eyes of the CFO. On the downside... Luckily the new meds continue to work well.
On twitter I found a new, inspiring article by Hanif Kureishi in the New York Times.  http://preview.alturl.com/h3qb9  You have to love the picture that goes with it. How very, very typical. I used to love looking out of the window, listening to the birds, and trying to spot them in the greenery (which is surprisingly difficult). Or look at my pencils for a couple of minutes, close my eyes and see the pencils in a different colour. Lending two books from the school library, then go to the real library for three more and steel the library passes from my siblings so I could get six more. 

Really good day for Supertramp: Logical song, School, Take the Long Way Home, Dreamer :) To bad the guys don't allow anyone on YouTube with their songs. Back to the basement: I've got that CD somewhere.

Brandon

Saturday 19 February 2011

Diary Entry, 19-02-2012

This morning my wife voiced regrets about not being able to work on her anxieties. She feels I do not express concern for her problems and that I am not helping her get over them. I feel flattered. My wife would never opt for a me-too-strategy if she did not think I was making progress! Alas the progress was not good enough to handle this morning's proceedings properly.
She started talking about her anxieties in general, and, having ADD or perhaps, being a male, I took it literally. What she meant to say is that she needed help on taking the next step in a specific anxiety. I should have seen it coming but I didn't. Instead of offering help I challenged her to be more specific on the exact problems so I could devise a solution.
My second mistake was to project the evasive manoeuvres I myself make onto my wife. Having ADD I do not like criticism and I definitely do not like being made responsible for other people's happiness (or lack thereof). So, when my wife started to seek fault for her lack in progress in others, I did not comment (she deserves a break) but it did prevent me from listening. Stupid of me. I could quite easily have prevented an unnecessary discussion.

Today is also the day that I switched meds. Yesterday I tried to stop with Ritalin in the afternoon. Big mistake! I screwed up the quiche (from a packet!) and almost ended up in the wrong theatre. That last one caused me some stress because I did not want my daughter to be late for her play.
The new meds are working fine. Do not know how it will be tomorrow at work. I do know they seem to be working just fine, without any side effects.

Brandon

Thursday 17 February 2011

Diary Entry, 17-2-2012

Today was a very eventful day. It started off with a visit to my therapist together with my wife. Both ladies agreed that my communication needs work. I come across as grey and flat. Not a nice thing to hear but I have been told this before. I think this is more of a gifted than an ADD thing. I put too much effort into filtering information and forget to communicate my feelings. In terms of therapy, the options seem to be limited at the moment due to a lack of funds. I will ask my wife to find out options.

Second thing was the funeral of the father of one of my fraternity brothers. The experience thought me I have no lack of emotions. My friend is a very emotional guy, which is admirable. He got rich coming from very humble origins, which is both admirable and boring because he is constantly trying to prove himself by showing of wealth and social connections. I was happy being around my old mates. I had an uncomfortable feeling seeing my friend carrying his father to the grave. My father and I broke up 13 years ago. Could not help but wondering what I would do in the event of my father's death. I was totally balled over by this poem http://www.amandashome.com/footprints.html, (but then I also cried for Bambi, the Lion King and Mary Poppins). I felt sorry for my friend's in-laws’, who had to sit at the back of the church while their grandchildren sat in front. I was proud of my friend expressing his feelings in the Eulogy. Finally I was sad for the loss of a good man: tranquil, wise, forgiving, with a great love of beauty. The last piece of music, Mozart's Clarinet Concerto in A: Adagio, was stunning and reminded me very much of summer holiday entirely fitting for the character of the deceased. For the music click this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QAAZ29cvfU&noredirect=1. The final irony of the situation was that my friend never truly appreciated the nobility of mind of his own father, and mostly viewed him as weak. Part of the ceremony I just witnessed was keeping up appearances. Plenty of feelings, all of them conscious. None of them easy to express, except to my wife because she knows me. So yes, it is frustrating.

On my way home my wife called. The apothecary told her I would not be able to drive with the new medicine for my ADD. (after she had been chasing the prescription for an hour because it had been sent to the wrong apothecary.) She was not happy with the surprise. As it did with the first medicine the information leaflet contained a lot of cover your ass clauses. She has difficulty trusting in a system that transfers nearly all responsibility to the patient. I cannot blame her. Feeding mental patients chemicals to "cure" them instead of old fashioned therapy. It puts a lot of stress on the patient. Alas, sign of the times.

All in all a very satisfying day with a lot of food for thought. One new puzzle: My brain has always ruled my feelings. I never allow a feeling, unless my brain interpreted the stimuli. Hmm.. I will work on it and start networking awaiting the arrival of my new communication skills.

Brandon

Wednesday 16 February 2011

Diary Entry, 16-02-2012

Today was a bad day for me. Yesterday I felt inspired but today I blew it. I tried to hard to work everything out myself. In stead I should have worked in short cycles interacting with people. Next time I'd better listen to doc Hallowell again. Don't know if it's an ADD or gifted adult thing. It could be both gifted perfectionism or ADD hyperfocus and nog being able to snap out of it. See also this HBR blog http://hbr.org/tip?date=012312

Talked to my wife about the differences between gifted adult and ADD. She said gifted people finish what they start. She has a point.

Brandon

Tuesday 15 February 2011

Diary Entry, 15-02-2012

Yesterday I read a great blog by Pete Quily http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/men-adhd-who-arent-convinced-it-matters. earlier I was complaining about my wife. http://addandgifted.blogspot.com/2012/02/catholic-boy.html#more Turns out I am wrong and she is right. Also turns out that my personal belief in personal freedom may be heart felt but may also be dead wrong.

Stuff to think about!

Brandon