Friday 18 May 2012

Solitary Learner

Today two great websites passed my computer. The first is a Blog by an anonymous 41 year old woman called  Vindra Pendred (not a real name). Vindra is smart and perceptive and relatively normal. She points out that more often then not Normal people are unable to follow the line of reasoning while other ADD patients can.To her non-ADHD are stupid and stuck in their ways. Her blog is called ADHD vs inside the box, which sums it up nicely.
In my mind the out of the box thinking of ADHD is closely linked to Solitary learning, the need to make up your own mind. This influences both communication and speed of learning.

Monday 14 May 2012

Right Brained

Those that have been reading my Blog know I was doubting between ADD, HSP and Giftednedd as the root of all evil. Reading a Blog on comprehensive reading problems and ADD/ ADHD has taught me differently! Although the factors above may contribute, being right brained explains my condition far better.
I came across a blog of some well meaning left brainer who was trying to "solve" ADD/ ADHD reading comprehension. The Blog just screamed at me he was lost, in an area that was completely obvious to me! I must confess, the underlying assumption that something was wrong with ADHD children also struck a cord of sympathy for the man's poor pupils. What a terrible thing to be coached by some one who does not understand you. I went overboard a bit I must confess. Here is what happened.

Wednesday 18 April 2012

Grumpy

This morning I woke-up in a feeling of utter gloom. Since I got diagnosed with #ADHD/ ADD some things have improved (most notably my self esteem, through writing this blog) but most have not. Especially this morning I felt like I was suffering from multiple procrastination attacks. Why do I do this to myself?

Perhaps I should explain first what I am doing to myself. To put it bluntly: I am setting myself up for failure. I am over committed, but still accepting work. Why? Because I feel I need to produce more. That I am not fit for my job if i do not deliver the little extra. That at age 40 I am old and should therefor produce more than the young.
Little things happen that make me feel like I am slipping, client finishing work I should be doing for him, another that was late for the umpteenth time but this time I did mot help him.
Also I am not making the progress I wanted on returning to the pack. Our management team had a coaching session last week and who was talking half the time? Me, because I had a good analysis and was not directly involved in the team issues? Wtf? I WANT TO BE DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN TEAM ISSUES!!

To top that of two of our laptops broke down this week. One crashed, the other had a ruptured screen because I accidentally sat on it (do not ask how). As a consequence I can not Blog properly. Makes me feel hampered in my growth.

Yesterday my wife prevented me from jogging, one of the activities that is supposed to calm me. I stopped myself from attacking my e-mailbox (too much hassle), bloody thing went from 0 to 150 in 3 days. That is not very much but in my mind it is an insurmountable pile.

What is it that makes me feel so defeatist? And why am I such a terrible grump? Why do I postpone important stuff till the last minute in order to increase the risk of failure? My business manager complimented me om a great brainstorm session yesterday with great feed-back this morning. Somehow, somewhere in my mind, I only know duty. Somehow I can not process anything that is not agreed upon. Enjoy anything, or share the emotion of it, if there is no shared precedent. Why would I need to understand everything? Why am I the eternal elder brother? The responsible fuck, the steady Eddy? (If it were not for the ADD).

I still need to work on this post but you get my meaning.

Brandon

Monday 16 April 2012

And how my wife toke it

My therapist and my wife do not see eye to eye. My therapist thinks I should be working on my energy levels, my wife thinks I should get to work on the long list of household chores. There is a fundamental difference! This morning I should have gone for a jog, but I did not, beacuse my wife did not support me. I should stop listening to her!

Saturday 14 April 2012

Therapy gone slightly wrong

Today I had a conversation with my therapist about planning. I think I may have bodged up the conversation. My intention was to talk about my planning skills and ways to improve them. In stead I talked about my experiences so far, especially in relation to my son and wife, the reason being the Thomas Gordon thing. I went about it all wrong, probably because I was ill prepared for the Thomas Gordon conversation, and here is what happened.
First off I stated that I still had my doubts about Thomas. That was a  mistake. I brought it up because it was part of my homework, but it was not what I came for. Secondly I was critical about the guy that my therapist strongly believes in.  I should not have communicated my doubts because she took it personal. For me doubting and challenging is second nature... , an intellectual endeavour. But it is not everyone's cup of tea. People take it personal.
In the end we did go through the motion of planning methods. But not very thoroughly. My therapist being eager to move on.

Thursday 5 April 2012

Thomas Gordon afterthought

This morning I realised I was being too hard on mister Gordon. There is a deeply personal choice I made that has left me biased. When I was 21 I choose to lock-up my alcoholic father, and when he was sober I made him go into rehab. Was he grateful for what I did to him? No, at the time he evidently wished to die. He was not eating, drinking straight gin all day and he had three suicide attempts to his name. Clearly an action mister Gordon would not approve of. And perhaps he is right. On the right hand side Zeno of Citum, I will explain later why.

Thomas Gordon

I am sorry I have not been able to keep up to date with you. The reason is my psychologist had me read Parental Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon. Great book for explaining active listening quite thoroughly. The underlying premise that children will choose the right thing because of some inherent nobility of spirit seems false to me. It goes against Aristotle for one, and I can not have that! Can I?

Friday 23 March 2012

Commedia dell' arte

The last couple of days there have been many events but two of them made me think of Commedia dell' Arte and made me wonder why people need to fool each other as if wearing masks. It saddens me! Both events involved women and one of them was my wife! What a puzzle women are!

Tuesday 20 March 2012

Aristotle and the Cardinal

I am always looking for ways to improve myself. Yesterday I came across a helpful Blog about practical wisdom by Barry Schwartz and Ken Sharpe on Psychology Today. They started of with making a reference to Jews. They had me right there! I had just been thinking on the Jewish capacity to reflect and the way it has helped their people move forward in life! Later I saw that Schwartz is also on TED talks.

Saturday 10 March 2012

Overlooking the Obvious

Yesterday I had a talk with my Psychologist and her supervisor joined us. This was an unexpected encounter that will probably decide the rest of my healing process! It was also a humbling experience. I am working on my behaviour, finding out how to set boundaries, say no etc. and I forget the obvious: I forgot to learn to plan!

Wednesday 7 March 2012

Therapy: King or Cardinal?

Earlier I stated that I was not a Highly Sensitive Person. I was wrong. Yesterday I read the book on HSP and scored 14 on the entry test. Whatever, after finding out I had ADD and that Giftedness is a disease according to DSM IV who cares? The common denominator is being overwhelmed. So, wherever my journey home takes me, it must include methods for addressing stress/ emotional distractions.

Friday 2 March 2012

Therapy: the import of belonging

You don't know what you've got until it's gone, as the saying goes. To be shut out is about the worst thing that can happen to me. Last week I approached my business manager to ask him questions on some complicated job he had me do. He saw me, but was talking to his secretary, so he ignored me. I felt terribly embarrassed but kept waiting until his secretary told him to speak to me. He did so and said he didn't have any time. I truly hate that kind of thing, but still I do it. Why?

Saturday 25 February 2012

What being Gifted means to me (II)

I have talked to my wife about my view on being gifted. (See my previous Blog: http://tinyurl.com/87qa7eq) She is a valuable resource for me because she herself is equally gifted and does not have any ADD/ ADHD like symptoms. Quite valuable to learn how she handles stuff I have got problems with.

Taking the holistic view & taking responsibility
First off my wife does not take the holistic view. She does see the total but she makes a clear cut between her own responsibilities and other's. Can you believe it? I have a lot more trouble letting go.

Thursday 23 February 2012

What being Gifted means to me (I)

Up till now I have been going on at length about ADD, What I have not told you is what it is like to be Gifted. I am comorbid, two social diseases: having ADD and being Gifted. These things are actually much the same, but not completely.  Do you remember not being able to stand the sound of others munching their food? Did you greatly dislike loud noises? Did you not speak until the age of 4, only to be fluent form then on? Was it hard for you to have other people tell you what you should be doing, in stead of finding out yourself? For me this is all part of my Giftedness, But what is it exactly?
For me Giftedness means the urge to synthesise (no not the music). To take two viewpoints and integrate them into one overriding principle is to me the ultimate act of creation.

Saturday 18 February 2012

Angry Teen

One of the communication problem I have is with my angry teens. My son has an exam week coming up, my wife had to take our daughter to an entry exam for college and I had to do the shopping. I left a teen doing Spanish. An hour later I came home to a teen using two laptops and a mobile phone, communicating with God knows whom when he should be studying. I told him my observation and surprise. He blew up on me, told me he felt wrongly accused and how unfair it was everybody had their opinions ready. He really pissed me off [I mean really, like standing over a dead body with a bloody axe in your hands] and I got angry. Deep down my son is a peace loving guy so he backed off, shut down the computers and got back to work.

Sunday 12 February 2012

Hallowell and the "Catholic Boy" syndrome

Great week for finding out my newfangled personal paradigms! Using methylfenidate does make me more alert/ aggressive. Terrible row with my daughter. She was able to set me in the right direction. Turns out there is little difference between self-effacing and  aggression. Long way to go before I reach assertiveness, but hey, I am new at this. What I wanted to talk about is where this is coming from. And Doc Hallowell is just the guy to explain it in "Delivered from Distraction" http://www.drhallowell.com/books/delivered-from-distraction-getting-the-most-out-of-life-with-attention-deficit-disorder/ .

Tuesday 7 February 2012

Starting Therapy

It's about time to start therapy, but where to start, and why there? What really impressed me last year was the way my business manager stood by me. I nearly got sacked by the manager finance, and he provided me with a personal, positive reference in a different division that finally got me the job. This was a lucky break that really moved me. This type of warm support is something I want to be a part of. In order to get there I need to have a purpose, as demonstrated by Simon Sinek: http://alturl.com/dwzin

Thursday 17 February 2011

Diary Entry, 17-2-2012

Today was a very eventful day. It started off with a visit to my therapist together with my wife. Both ladies agreed that my communication needs work. I come across as grey and flat. Not a nice thing to hear but I have been told this before. I think this is more of a gifted than an ADD thing. I put too much effort into filtering information and forget to communicate my feelings. In terms of therapy, the options seem to be limited at the moment due to a lack of funds. I will ask my wife to find out options.

Second thing was the funeral of the father of one of my fraternity brothers. The experience thought me I have no lack of emotions. My friend is a very emotional guy, which is admirable. He got rich coming from very humble origins, which is both admirable and boring because he is constantly trying to prove himself by showing of wealth and social connections. I was happy being around my old mates. I had an uncomfortable feeling seeing my friend carrying his father to the grave. My father and I broke up 13 years ago. Could not help but wondering what I would do in the event of my father's death. I was totally balled over by this poem http://www.amandashome.com/footprints.html, (but then I also cried for Bambi, the Lion King and Mary Poppins). I felt sorry for my friend's in-laws’, who had to sit at the back of the church while their grandchildren sat in front. I was proud of my friend expressing his feelings in the Eulogy. Finally I was sad for the loss of a good man: tranquil, wise, forgiving, with a great love of beauty. The last piece of music, Mozart's Clarinet Concerto in A: Adagio, was stunning and reminded me very much of summer holiday entirely fitting for the character of the deceased. For the music click this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QAAZ29cvfU&noredirect=1. The final irony of the situation was that my friend never truly appreciated the nobility of mind of his own father, and mostly viewed him as weak. Part of the ceremony I just witnessed was keeping up appearances. Plenty of feelings, all of them conscious. None of them easy to express, except to my wife because she knows me. So yes, it is frustrating.

On my way home my wife called. The apothecary told her I would not be able to drive with the new medicine for my ADD. (after she had been chasing the prescription for an hour because it had been sent to the wrong apothecary.) She was not happy with the surprise. As it did with the first medicine the information leaflet contained a lot of cover your ass clauses. She has difficulty trusting in a system that transfers nearly all responsibility to the patient. I cannot blame her. Feeding mental patients chemicals to "cure" them instead of old fashioned therapy. It puts a lot of stress on the patient. Alas, sign of the times.

All in all a very satisfying day with a lot of food for thought. One new puzzle: My brain has always ruled my feelings. I never allow a feeling, unless my brain interpreted the stimuli. Hmm.. I will work on it and start networking awaiting the arrival of my new communication skills.

Brandon

Tuesday 8 February 2011

Diary Entry, 08-02-2012

Today I had some practise at implementing my beliefs:
freedom of choice:
I told my wife I would be home late because I wanted to do some work stuff. I resisted her putting me on some  undefined guilt trip for not coming home on time. In the end I did not achieve the stuff I wanted so there I have still some work to do.
My great analytical skills left me. I have not done my pupil a favour by dumping all my concepts on him, I haven't been able to motivate people for Capex reduction activity. Someone actually insulted me by saying he was picking up the phone now because I was getting concrete.
My results eluded me today because I was procrastinating. Too many exiting things to think of at once.
I did take care of myself by having breakfast and lunch: a great improvement for me.

All in all I did do some things but I need to plan for it better.

I also started doing a mindmap for my beliefs (for conceptual exploration),

Brandon