Friday, 2 March 2012

Therapy: the import of belonging

You don't know what you've got until it's gone, as the saying goes. To be shut out is about the worst thing that can happen to me. Last week I approached my business manager to ask him questions on some complicated job he had me do. He saw me, but was talking to his secretary, so he ignored me. I felt terribly embarrassed but kept waiting until his secretary told him to speak to me. He did so and said he didn't have any time. I truly hate that kind of thing, but still I do it. Why?

The feeling of being rejected is one of embarrassment, resignation, pride and, I must confess, acceptance. I accept rejection because I understand it. I too need my ranging space to roam. There is one caveat lector. I do not mind space as long as the pack is ranging out there with me. When 24 years ago one of my stepbrothers went to a shrink (we were living with his dad in his old house) he had to put animals to the family members. He named me aptly. Sadly for the wrong reasons. Thing is: I am a loner, but I am pack. And that is terribly important.

There are many reasons for me to think of myself as different: I am from the rich side of the street, I have ADD, I am gifted and my childhood was more fucked up than most. I am probably emotionally immature and maybe highly sensitive (although I seriously doubt that). But all that doesn't matter: I am pack and this is my forest. How stupid of me to have forgotten that.

So do I truly think I am an animal? No, thanks to the medication less and less so. Do I know how to become human again? Yes, of course, the body remembers.(Socrates dialogue with the boy in Plato's Meno, 280 BC,start reading where the "boy" enters the dialogue). I am not an animal but I am still Pack, I BELONG. This realisation of this simple truth generates a new desire: I want to go HOME!! And for the first time in ages, I feel certain that I will get there. It will be a long journey, but I am ready to come out and play.

Special thanks to The Real Gifted and Jonathan Carroll for convincing me you do not need to become a complete wuss to do so!

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