Wednesday, 18 April 2012
Perhaps I should explain first what I am doing to myself. To put it bluntly: I am setting myself up for failure. I am over committed, but still accepting work. Why? Because I feel I need to produce more. That I am not fit for my job if i do not deliver the little extra. That at age 40 I am old and should therefor produce more than the young.
Little things happen that make me feel like I am slipping, client finishing work I should be doing for him, another that was late for the umpteenth time but this time I did mot help him.
Also I am not making the progress I wanted on returning to the pack. Our management team had a coaching session last week and who was talking half the time? Me, because I had a good analysis and was not directly involved in the team issues? Wtf? I WANT TO BE DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN TEAM ISSUES!!
To top that of two of our laptops broke down this week. One crashed, the other had a ruptured screen because I accidentally sat on it (do not ask how). As a consequence I can not Blog properly. Makes me feel hampered in my growth.
Yesterday my wife prevented me from jogging, one of the activities that is supposed to calm me. I stopped myself from attacking my e-mailbox (too much hassle), bloody thing went from 0 to 150 in 3 days. That is not very much but in my mind it is an insurmountable pile.
What is it that makes me feel so defeatist? And why am I such a terrible grump? Why do I postpone important stuff till the last minute in order to increase the risk of failure? My business manager complimented me om a great brainstorm session yesterday with great feed-back this morning. Somehow, somewhere in my mind, I only know duty. Somehow I can not process anything that is not agreed upon. Enjoy anything, or share the emotion of it, if there is no shared precedent. Why would I need to understand everything? Why am I the eternal elder brother? The responsible fuck, the steady Eddy? (If it were not for the ADD).
I still need to work on this post but you get my meaning.