Monday, 9 April 2012

Planning revisited

Next Friday I will see my therapist again and I am nervous. I have had two assignments: make my peace with mister Gordon and start up my planning thing again and I am failing miserably at both! Could I be resisting and sabotaging my own change? I Have already started planning once or twice.

Going back to mr Gordon: What did he ask of me? To be an active listener, to use I in feed-back, to always use win-win approach in conflict resolution and what procedure to use to solve said conflicts. Not a lot, and most of it I already do! Why does that feel like romantic drivel and do I oppose it?

Looking at planning: What have I got? Many hours spend on reading mr Allen and mr Covey, some great ideas, but not a lot to show for it. There seems to be some core of Resistance that is sabotaging my success. The same thing that has kept me on the Wii several hours this Easter and that is keeping me from getting my sleep.

So: what is that? I seem to be experiencing fear: fear of being successful (at last); fear of changing into something that is not "me"; fear of failing all together. In light of that fear my willpower is tested: do I really and truly want this? The answer is yes, I do, but not for the reasons I started out seeking help for.

I KNOW what I want out of the whole planning thing. I want to be able to go to sleep with a clear conscience. Know that I am prepared for the day ahead. That I can take what life has to throw my way, because I have arranged what I am responsible for, and resilient enough to take the rest in my stride.

I also know what I want out of the whole Gordon thing. I want my son to feel sheltered and appreciated in a way I myself never was, and I want my wife to loosen up regarding her demands of obedience towards him,  that are not working anyway.

Why resist at all? Tonight I had better finish my homework for therapy on Friday!


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